i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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