Soap is not a condiment
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
