oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Randomize
