Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
