I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
