in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
