I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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