Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My balls are so social today.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
