And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
