we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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