You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
