i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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