@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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