Can i not drive my cunt home
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
