i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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