Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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