the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
