I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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