I just made out with a guy for $7.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
