i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
