I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
