why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
