I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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