I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
