you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
