Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
my liver is dry heaving
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
