Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Randomize
