MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Randomize
