what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
