I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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