Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
