seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
