So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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