I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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