k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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