Your face is a jimmy john
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
