Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
