I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
