you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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