between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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