So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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