You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
