you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize