Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Be still, my beating vagina.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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