Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
