life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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