i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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