Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
