Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
