So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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