The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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