you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
