she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
