remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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