That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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