I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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