if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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