I accidentally had phone sex last night
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
