Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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