I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
