we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
