Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
