i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
