his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
