So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
