i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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