I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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