I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
