its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
