I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Im part way to drunk.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
