Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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