Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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