Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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